In my mind, "woman" and "strong", for better or worse, mean the same thing.
My mothers, grandmothers, sisters have all been through the typical grocery list of suffrage, academia, occupational, social, medical. Breast cancer, Ivy League schools, Title IX, boys' sports, girls' sports, chemistry labs, veterinary offices, pulpits. One might say that I was able to live the life any boy could have hoped for a century ago. I was raised with ample and unfettered opportunity.
Something was nagging me, though, as I sat in my maternal grandmother's living room over Thanksgiving weekend. I had not carried on the family tradition. The powers that be or perhaps my our timing or positioning (apologies, mom) willed that my first child be a boy. A patriarchal family model doesn't fit into my lifestyle. Not on my mother's side. Not on my stepfather's side. Not on my husband's side. That is not to say that the men are not strong, caring, hard working, family oriented. It is only to say that if there is a shot being called, an event to be held, news to be shared, it is, most likely backed by ovaries. The nagging resurfaced several times over the course of my stay with my family but I tried not to focus on it. I could teach a male to be a leader, right?
A week later, I was knee deep in websites, books and pamphlets all pertaining to midwifery, reproductive rights and birthing legislation, Wikipedia opened to Gloria Steinem's page, and Amy Carol Webb's "I Come From Women" blasting from youtube. There was nary a Y chromosome in sight, save my neutered dogs and the 17lb person asleep in my lap. Again with the nagging.
What legacy would this be? I couldn't pass on my heritage to a boy; he wouldn't know what to do with it. My husband, bless his heart, didn't know who Gloria Steinem was until an hour ago. There are the occasional men who stand in huddled lines, arms linked, outside of planned parenthood clinics and male midwives and of course the loved and revered Marsden Wagner but even their exuberance is not felt first hand but only an expression of love for the women they know.
I started thinking, though. What would Gloria's son have been like? What would she have taught him? Isn't it true that our society's men are becoming more enlightened? In no small part, I'm sure, to extensive work done by women and men alike to change the course of outdated patterns. Fred Small's Every Man discusses the male struggle as only a man can and it sheds light on the work we need to do with our boys in order to ensure they are not only able to fight their own battles but help us with ours. Perhaps my idea of what a strong woman is need of expansion. Egalitarian should mean exactly that and thus boys need to be nurtured and healed as well.
I think that, instead of my son, the first male to be born to my maternal family in nearly half a century, interrupting the flow of feminine mystique, he is just what the midwife ordered.
2 comments:
sounds like your perfect challenge. i have no doubt kai will be enlightened.
I wholeheartedly agree. I think that we mothers of young men have a harder job ahead of us than the mothers of young women. These days our society supports the picture of strong woman, and as long as there is guidance in that direction, there is much less counter force than there was even ten years ago. However.
As you raise Kai, he will no doubt be a stand out among men and our society still does not support the idea of an enlightened man, so he will encounter opposition from the moment he sets forth... But you ARE cut out for this job!
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